Archives

What does it mean to be raising a go girl? This.

Forever Family, Go Girl! - Allison Kenny - August 31, 2017

Welcome. I’m Allison Kenny and I am Raising a Go Girl! How do I know this about my daughter? Because she said yes to coming to live with my wife and me when she was six years old after early life in foster care. She said yes to being adopted by us, she said yes to giving herself a safe and happy life. I know she’s a Go Girl! because she says no when she doesn’t want a hug from a neighbor, she says no to excluding kids, she says no when she is afraid.

I know my daughter is a Go Girl! because she gives more generously than anyone I know. She makes fairies and slugs well-decorated homes. She gives her artwork and she gives her time to be helpful. She takes in the good, too. After 2 years, she lets us hug her heart to heart. She shares her gratitudes at the dinner table. They are almost always about food.

She’s a Go Girl! because she learns from her mistakes. Even though she’s quick to be hard on herself for messing up, she remembers that no one is perfect. She tells herself, “Mistakes are part of learning” and she’s mastered the art of apology.

My daughter feels ALL THE FEELS. She has big feelings and is slowly, slowly learning they are all okay. It took a long time for her to feel safe enough to talk about feelings. Now, when she says things like “I’m confused, Mommy” or “I feel sad,” we scoop her up and give her a ton of love. She noticing what she feels and what she needs. She knows this makes her human. She knows she is not alone. 

My daughter is a Go Girl because she takes center stage. She grew into her leadership after a long stretch of struggling to be flexible, share or take turns. She wanted to control absolutely everything and everyone. I know the feeling. She’s learning, though, that being a leader means listening. I see her write down all her friends’ ideas in the club she started and ask them what job they want to have. I know she’s come a long way. 

My girl is a Go Girl! because she’s being raised by them. My wife and I do everything we can to be the women we want our daughter to see. Mostly, this means allowing her to watch us fail, fall, fight and get up again. She watches us repair and keep going. She sees that we’ll never give up on each other and never give up on her. 

My daughter is a Go Girl. 

Photo credit: Marcus Salinas

 

Wanna know more about being a Go Girl? Check out the Spotlight: Girls Culture Code HERE.

Continue Reading

How 2 Moms Celebrate Father’s Day

Forever Family - Allison Kenny - June 18, 2017

We celebrate the Uncles

who take her to Crab Cove, to ice cream, to bowling

who send her postcards from their travels and buy her dresses for Christmas

 

We celebrate

The 2 Dad Families in our lives

who remind her that our family is not so different

that she has good friends a lot like her

that men can be loving and nurturing and funny and smart and strong

and make the best french toast

 

We celebrate

Mr. Corey who made her believe she could do math

Helped her through missing Mamas at school

And spent extra time with her 4 days every week for 2 years

 

We celebrate her birth dad

who she doesn’t see

but gave her life

who she doesn’t know

but is very real

who kids ask about and she has answers ready

because we practice

 

We celebrate the men who help her feel seen

Protected

Safe

and

Sound

 

On Father’s Day

We Celebrate

Our Villiage

 

 

 

 

 

 

Continue Reading

Being 8

Forever Family, Go Girl! - Allison Kenny - June 15, 2017

 

Being 8 is sitting in the car

Without a booster seat

It’s being able to scooter in front of the house

From here to there

With a friend

While Mamas stay inside

And peek through the window

Being 8

Is no longer needing

Morning snuggles

Most days

Cause you are too busy in your own bed

Memorizing Hamilton lyrics

Or finishing up that Chapter Book

On Your Own

Being 8 is understanding

Cause & Effect

Finally

So chores and morning jobs and “Yes, Mamas”

Are no big deal

They lead to fun and Yes and more of what you love

Being 8 is all about

Playdates

Where you design cookbooks

With recipes like, “Allison’s Amazing Applesauce”

And “Lynn’s Lovely Lemonade”

Being 8 is safe

Being 8 is free

Being 8 is choice

Being 8 is just the tiniest bit sad for Mama A

Because it means you will never again be 7

You will never be again 6

6 is the age that you were born to us

Our baby years with you only lasted a very little while

And you are already

8

Continue Reading

When My Daughter Sees Gay Marriage

Love Wins - Allison Kenny - June 14, 2017

When my daughter sees gay marriage

She sees two parents

Kiss every morning

Every night

And really anytime we see each other

Then begs for kisses herself

 

She sees us pay our bills together

Make dinner together

Run our business together

Sing made-up song and laugh about nothing

She sees us go on dates, every week or month

 

She sees us talk it out

When I get triggered

By Lynn’s sarcasm

or she gets frustrated

By how controlling I can be

 

She sees us ask one another for what we need

Set boundaries

Choose self-care

Most of all, she sees how in love two people can be

After 15 years

 

How we put our marriage

First

Before even her needs

Because first, we had each other

Because we want to show her what

Healthy relationships look like

 

When my daughter sees gay marriage,

She sees our marriage

She sees

Love, stability, respect

She sees happy

 

She sees everything

She deserves

 

 

 

 

Continue Reading

Mama, What Does the Waitress Think About Our Family?

Forever Family, Love Wins - Allison Kenny - June 13, 2017

I remember

Sitting

in a frozen yogurt shop

on a hot day

in Oakland.

 

The woman behind the counter

(a Wonderland of fruit and candy toppings)

kept smiling at us.

 

We get a lot of smiles.

3 beauties with skin

different shades

laughing loud,

holding hands,

singing songs

in public.

 

“Mamas, does the waitress think one of you are my Auntie?”

“I don’t know, Babe. How come?”

“Maybe, she never heard of a family with two Mamas before.”

“Oh…maybe.”

 

We went right back to singing.

 

Continue Reading

She Calls Me Mama A

Forever Family, Love Wins - Allison Kenny - June 12, 2017

They Want to Know-

Those Mom and Dad families

Feeling Curious

Wondering

Imagining

What Family is Like

When the Labels

Don’t Fit

When the Boxes

Aren’t Checked

Mom and Dad Families

Wonder

 

Who Takes Out the Trash?

And Who Does

Her Hair?

Who Can She Tell Her Secrets To?

And Who Cares For Her When She’s Sick?

 

How Many Moms Do You Have?

Kids At School Wanna Know

Two

She Says

Lucky!

Kids Know

What’s Up

They Know Love Wins and Would Never

Vote Otherwise

 

Mom and Dad Families

Have Questions

The Big One

The One They Ask

Most

Is

What Does She Call You?

 

What is the Name for

Families Like Mine

The Name is Yes

The Name is

Respect Our Rights

The Name is Equal

The Name is Awesome

The Name is Love

 

Also, I’m So Happy To Tell You

To Help You Picture Us

Families Like Mine

Beautiful

Real

As Important As Your Family

I’m So Happy to Tell You

 

She Calls Me

Mama A

Continue Reading

25 Things I Learned as a Special Needs Mom

Forever Family, Go Girl! - Allison Kenny - April 12, 2017

  1. Every milestone is worth celebrating. It doesn’t matter how small.
  2. Perfect is not real.
  3. Sometimes, my self-care is THE most important thing.
  4. Take the long view. Big picture is everything.
  5. This, too, shall pass. It always does.
  6. Humor goes a long way.
  7. Be responsible for the energy I bring into a room.
  8. Be gentle.
  9. Notice what my face is doing.
  10. I get to be human. I get to be human. I get to be human.
  11. Forgive myself.
  12. Forgive my kid.
  13. Other kids and families might do things differently not better, not “normal” just different.
  14. Advocate for my kid with persistence, patience, and love.
  15. Saying no is really important.
  16. Saying yes is really important.
  17. Get on the floor and play.
  18. I’m not in control of, well…barely anything.
  19. People act out when they are afraid.
  20. I act out when I am afraid.
  21. People stare. Smile back.
  22. I am a superhero.
  23. My kid is working as hard as I am.
  24. Hold onto joy every time it shows up.
  25. Get help.
Continue Reading

Raising Girls Who Know They Matter

Forever Family - Allison Kenny - April 6, 2017

 

Before my daughter came into my life, I worked for a decade as a theater teaching artist. Children ages two to twenty-two of every race, gender, ability and learning style taught me to be a compassionate human. I got used to thinking on my feet, tuning into their particular needs, and speaking from my heart. All of this prepared me for parenting.

“That sign says Black Lives Matter, Mommy. What about me? Does my life matter, too?”

I remember the day my little girl asked me this question. She was almost seven and was learning to read more every day. She was in that exciting threshold between reading nothing and reading everything. Spacing out as we moved through the world and noticing every billboard, menu, and sign. This was a big opportunity for me, too. She was asking me, her White Mama, to unpack the Black Lives Matter movement while we waited in line at our favorite mac n cheese spot.

A big part of why my wife and I choose to stay in Oakland, CA after adopting our little girl was to make sure conversations like these were part of our everyday experience. We’re commitment to living on a street with folks of all races, sending her to a diverse school, and making sure she has teachers who look like her. My wife grew up as one of few Black people in an all-White suburb. This was hard on her. She wanted something different for her daughter.

READ MORE on RAISING RACE CONSCIOUS CHILDREN

Continue Reading

Having the Confidence I Want My Daughter to See

Go Girl! - Allison Kenny - March 31, 2017

Recently, I hit a rough patch with my confidence. First, it was facing Imposter Syndrome in my new career path as a freelance writer. Then, it was being the new mom of a deeply hurt child. Then, it was facing health challenges that kept me in bed for nearly 6 weeks. Throw the Presidential election of 2016 into the mix, and I was a goner. Confidence shot. There was nothing I wanted to write and nowhere I wanted to go.

Luckily, my wise self and life coach reminded me that there is no need to suffer in silence. I reached out to my biggest fans. I texted them the horrible things my inner critic was saying and admitted how much fear was taking over. Of course, they responded with a ton of love, humor, and solidarity. I may have felt pitiful but I was not alone in my self-pity. That mattered. Slowly, as allergens fill the air and cherry blossoms start to bloom, I am emerging. I’m ready to get my confidence back this spring.

I can take baby steps to rebuilding my confidence and model these same tools for my daughter, while I’m at it! Wanna follow along? Check out my (usually, probably, almost always) daily Facebook Live videos each morning in April and I’ll share the winding path to believing in myself again.

Let’s see what a mama who actively works on confidence can do for the little girl who’s watching.

Continue Reading

My Daughter Called Me Fat. Here is What I Said…

Go Girl!, Self-care - Allison Kenny - March 15, 2017

Photo credit: Mary Cressler, Vindulge

 

Fat. It’s the word I dreaded most of my life. The word I spent the most time thinking about, worrying about, planning around, crying over and nearly destroying my relationship to myself about. Like so many of us, I spent my time, my money and endless hours of energy on a decade worth of diets. Now that I’ve given up dieting, I can spend that same time, energy and money on things that matter to me more than what size my body is.

I’ve learned to eat intuitively. I’ve learned that sometimes my trauma takes over and it’s nearly impossible for me to notice if I’m hungry or full. I’ve learned to forgive myself for emotionally overeating. I’ve learned there are no bad foods. I’ve learned to enjoy eating as a source of pleasure. I’ve learned about lots of other things I get hungry for- play, intimacy, creativity, adventure and most often…solitutde. I’ve learned to appreciate and respect my body at every size. And since I have been sizes 8-16, I have a lot of practice with this.

For me, the fat is no longer a problem. I honestly believe I am gorgeous at any size. My doctor tells me I am in good health and I notice that if I’m managing my stress well, I feel good. I feel happy. I am grateful for what I have and what my body can do.

So when my daughter sweetly said to me one day, “Mommy, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but do you think you’re fat?” I took a deep breath. I smiled. After 8 years of disordered eating, chronic dieting, shame and feeling like a failure because I couldn’t control my body, I was prepared for this moment.

When I started the transition out of dieting and into claiming my life as a well-fed woman, I committed to self-love above everything else. I knew how to reflect that back to my daughter. My response came naturally, powerfully, easily. I scooped her into my arms and answered with confidence.

“Oh, baby, I’m so glad you asked. Yes, it’s true that my body has some extra fat. I like to call it my curves and I don’t mind it one bit. You know why? Because I believe all bodies are okay. I know I look beautiful just how I am. And I take good care of myself to stay healthy and strong. I love my arms that can pick you up and swing you around. My lap is strong enough to hold you. My soft belly is good for snuggling. I celebrate everything my body can do.” 

She accepted that. Sometimes she even tells me, “I love your big belly, Mama.” There are plenty of days I don’t love my big belly and self-doubt creeps back in. I hold onto this conversation as a reminder of what I know for sure to be true. I am just right as I am. Big belly and all.

More: Why My Daughter Eats Kale and Candy, Amaranth and Cheetos

Continue Reading