Recently, I hit a rough patch with my confidence. First, it was facing Imposter Syndrome in my new career path as a freelance writer. Then, it was being the new mom of a deeply hurt child. Then, it was facing health challenges that kept me in bed for nearly 6 weeks. Throw the Presidential election of 2016 into the mix, and I was a goner. Confidence shot. There was nothing I wanted to write and nowhere I wanted to go.
Luckily, my wise self and life coach reminded me that there is no need to suffer in silence. I reached out to my biggest fans. I texted them the horrible things my inner critic was saying and admitted how much fear was taking over. Of course, they responded with a ton of love, humor, and solidarity. I may have felt pitiful but I was not alone in my self-pity. That mattered. Slowly, as allergens fill the air and cherry blossoms start to bloom, I am emerging. I’m ready to get my confidence back this spring.
I can take baby steps to rebuilding my confidence and model these same tools for my daughter, while I’m at it! Wanna follow along? Check out my (usually, probably, almost always) daily Facebook Live videos each morning in April and I’ll share the winding path to believing in myself again.
Let’s see what a mama who actively works on confidence can do for the little girl who’s watching.
So many of us were traumatized by the election. For me, it started during the debates and culminated on election night. That’s when I noticed that I left my body completely. It’s taken me weeks to come on back. Remember that my body is home. And that if I’m not present, I can’t show up in the world the way I want to. So, for what feels like the millionth time, I’m pressing the re-set button. I’m taking good care and putting my own healing at the forefront so I can be the kind of mother I want to be. So I can show up as an artist, a writer, a participant in my life. For me, the slow and sometimes painful path back to myself looks like this…
1. Noticing my impulse to check out and numb with food and tv. “Wow, I must be really scared. It’s feeling super hard to stay in the moment.”
2. Allowing myself to check out a little bit with food and tv.
3. Setting up weekly hikes with a friend to feel my feet on the ground and remember how big the Universe is.
4. Scheduling regular bodywork to help me stay in my body.
5. Buying new sneakers to “train for the Revolution.” I’m quoting my friend Ed here.
6. Setting my alarm 45 minutes earlier so I can have quiet space to myself before my daughter wakes up. Doing whatever the hell I want in those 45 minutes.
7. Holding my dogs. A lot. And putting sweaters on them. ‘Cause cute heals.
8. Singing Christmas Carols at the top of my lungs.
9. Dancing with my daughter. In the kitchen. In our pajamas.
10. Letting myself cry. Or feel rage. Hopelessness. Confusion. Fear.
11. Limiting my media intake. Remembering I can “stay safe in my imagination” and manage triggers.
12. Making art. Like scribbly, messy, kid art.
13. Putting my hand on my heart in the shower. Being gentle with myself.
14. Interrupting my critical voice and talking sweetly instead. Calling myself “love.”
15. Using sweet orange essential oil.
16. Watching 13th – 15 minutes at a time.
17. Reading spiritual, feminist literature that inspires me.
18. Deep cleaning my house.
19. Praying. Meditating. Breathing.
20. Kissing my daughter more.
21. Kissing my wife more.
22. Making sure the people in my life know how grateful I am for them.
23. Making food that feels good.
24. Staying present for my wife and listen to her story, her grief, her rage as a woman of color without trying to fix.
25. Channeling my anger and fear about the state of the world into being a girl advocate.
How do you respond when your daughter says, “a boy at school called our teacher fat. I NEVER want to be too fat!”
There are so many problems with that sentence. Of course we don’t know the factual details of what went down- we are only getting a glimpse. But let’s say that’s exactly what happened. 3 reasons that sentence at the dinner table made my skin crawl and my heart ache.
that a young boy would body shame an adult female teacher
that the word “fat” is being hurled as an insult at all
that my chronically underweight first grade daughter is afraid of being “fat” (or more accurately, afraid of being teased by boys for being “fat”)
There is one big reason my daughter’s story made me feel hopeful, though. Empowered even. And that’s that after 8 years of struggling with my own disordered eating, body shame and fat fears, I get to respond from a place of fierce compassion and share what I know to be true. Continue Reading
It has been so incredibly satisfying and rejuvenating for both Allison and me to have this opportunity to share our stories on this blog as we make our way down our path to raising a Go Girl!. We have made this space to write about what we know, what we certainly don’t know, what we wished we had known, and what we are working hard to figure out. The response we have been getting has been inspiring and has motivated us to keep sharing.
And now, we are taking our storytelling up a notch.
Tomorrow, we will be hosting a free webinar called Raising a Go Girl!where we will share our stories live as we present the art and science behind the learning philosophy of Go Girls! Camp. We just did a test run of the webinar to work out all of the technical kinks and…can I just tell you…I am so friggin’ excited! There are dozens of folks signed up ready to hear what we have to say about how the heck we can come together to raise girls to be both powerful and peaceful.
I just can’t wait because I predict this webinar is going to change the world. I know. When I say this, it sounds naive. Like a 1-hour webinar could possible change the world. When I say this, though, I mean that it will change my world…and that counts. It will change my world because for years now, I have wished and wanted to be able to share more of my philosophy about raising girls with more people. But wishing and wanting don’t get us very far. Doing and planning and intending and trying and expecting, however….that’s what moves mountains.
So, I am excited because I am standing at the base of my mountain and I am ready to push. I am even going to treat myself tonight to get ready. Take myself to the mall for a little eyebrow threading and perhaps a new top. We’ll see what Old Navy has in stock that says “world changing webinar” for about $30 or less.
As readers of this blog, I hope you join us. Let me know if I picked the right shirt.
7 Things to do this Summer to Care for Myself and Inspire my Daughter
I know, I know. The first day of summer isn’t for another week. But, let’s be honest, the official start of summer is when your kids get out of school and the whole energy of your house changes. The kids go to camp. You start to pack up for vacations. And, then, there is the Summer Bucket List. I’m sure you have one. It’s that list full of all of the things that you haven’t managed to get to the other 3 seasons of the year but (cross your fingers) swear you will get to in the summer. Summer has a magic to it. The air is different. Things slow down. Why not use this time to make all your dreams come true? You can do it. And I’m going to join you.
Around my house, the beginning of summer has a very specific energy. The magic also contains a special mix of stress, excitement, pride, overwhelm, lunacy, creativity, and sheer panic. Yes, it’s the start of Go Girls! Camp! This morning 90 girls showed up in Oakland and Berkeley expecting to have a good time. By the time the season ends in mid-August, over 450 girls will have made plays with us at our 5 Bay Area locations.
This isn’t just my first day of camp. Today also marks my first summer as a parent. As I navigate how to produce our biggest summer ever with a Squirrel in the house, I also have to figure out how to make some time for myself, have a little fun, and embrace the magic of the summer months. At the same time, I have an opportunity to model for my daughter the practices of summer self-care that may have a positive effect on her choices. I’m thinking, “why not do stuff this summer that will take care of me and inspire my daughter at the same time?” I mean, 450 Go Girls!?! I don’t have that much time. I might as well do a little multi-tasking with my self-care, right?
As a result, I have created a Summer Bucket List that I hope will inspire the Go Girl! in me, the Squirrel, and maybe even you. This summer, (cross my fingers), I will…
1. Make Something
The theme of our first session of camp, “Girls can…MAKE!,” conveniently and coincidentally aligns with the White House’s National Week of Making, a call to action to “lift up makers and builders and doers across the country” through Maker-related events and activities. I have a fear of and fascination with making anything at all. However, I believe that we all have it in us to make, to invent, to create something that has never existed before. My goal is to make something simple that challenges my fears this week, to have fun with all of the inevitable mistakes I will make, and to share this mini- adventure with the Squirrel.
2. Rock that Swimsuit…with no apologies
I hate the phrase “swimsuit-ready” when referring to women’s bodies. We all have bodies. If I want to swim or hang out by the pool or play in the sand or just dream of tropical destinations, then, by default, my body is ready for a swimsuit…no matter how many “extra pounds” (another phrase I hate) my body has. My body is always “swimsuit-read.” I will throw on my suit, no matter how many pieces it has, and enjoy it. I will celebrate my body in front of my daughter and make no excuses or lament about any other body I wish I had.
3. Read an out-of-your-world book
Melissa Harris-Perry (the mother of 2 daughters) is my spirit animal mainly because she seems so unafraid to share exactly what she feels/thinks with the whole world. And she does it in a kind and compassionate way. I wish all of us women could do that? Anyway, recently, when she noticed that the NYT’s summer reading recommendations had no authors of color on it, she had something to say about it. Have you seen this?
I am particularly drawn to the part where she recommends that we read a book by someone outside of our own culture. As Allison and I work to support the Squirrel with her reading this summer in preparation for first grade, I want to make sure that 1) She sees me reading for pleasure as much as possible – the goal being to reduce as much “do as I say, not as I do” kind of behavior – and 2) She sees me being curious about worlds outside of my own. The Squirrel has been fascinated by the Spanish language lately…a language I don’t speak at all. How cool would it be if she sees me reading a book by a Latina/o author that actually contains Spanish words and phrases? Maybe I can support her to continue her exploration as well.
4. Have a total veg-out/breakdown day and invite no one
The Squirrel is so busy all the time. “What are you doing, Momma?” and “What are we going to do next, Momma” are often-heard phrases around the Maxi Pad. It’s our continued challenge to teach her the importance of quiet, down time; how to enjoy spending time with herself and just herself. Despite the busy-ness of running camp, or perhaps because of it, I must remember to embrace the lazy-ness of the season. I must take at least a day or 2 where I do absolutely nothing of importance…all by myself. I’ll need, certainly, and she will need to see me doing it.
5. Make a new friend
In the fall, my daughter will start a new school. She has been going to a school far from our house and we decided to transfer her to the public school nearby so that she could make friends with the kids who live in our neighborhood. The Squirrel actually has no trace of social anxiety. She is that kid who will come up to your kid on the playground with absolutely no filter and the classic kid query, “Do you want to play?” Meeting new people is not her problem. Actually making and keepingfriends is where she struggles. I’m actually very good at this but haven’t ventured out into the new friend territory in quite awhile. I have a whole other bucket list of “folks I want to be friends with” – those people whom I really like/admire but only know casually. This summer is the perfect opportunity to dust off that list and get to work sharing with the Squirrel the steps of making a good friend.
6. Woman the Grill
Despite the fact that I throw an exceptional party, I tend to overcook meat – a fact I am a bit embarrassed by. And my tendency towards dry meat makes me fear the grill. But, here’s the thing, my mother-in-law bought us a brand new shiny gas grill this spring and I am obliged to bust it out this summer. My daughter has already seen me engage more than one man in helping me figure out how the grill works…I literally couldn’t turn the grill on without the help of my friend Steve…I can’t continue to let my grill-timidation (yes, it’s a word) get in the way of improving my meat-abilities (again…). And I especially can’t reinforce the stereotype that grilling is only the domain of men, especially not in a home full of women and a brand new shiny gas grill. I have a hankering for some pork chops this summer and nothing is gonna get in my way!
Isn’t the summertime made for dancing?
I used to dance all the time. I studied dance in my youth and danced my butt off socially when I was a younger adult. I rarely dance these days. And now I have a daughter who loves dancing. She dances while walking down the street. She had her first ballet class this spring and returning to class is all she can talk about. Summertime is made for dancing. This summer, I will grab the Squirrel, my new friends (and old ones) and create as many opportunities as possible dance the day and night away.
My last goal for the summer is to drink lots of lemonade. This has nothing to do with modeling exemplary Go Girls!-like behavior for my daughter. I just love lemonade. The Squirrel loves lemonade. And I wholeheartedly believe that summer is only summer with lots of lemonade.