The pressure for moms to be perfect is killing me. Not only are we expected to look perfect, parent perfectly, and be perfect wives and mothers at the top of our career, we’re also told that self-care is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING and we should do that perfectly, too.
One idea that gets me off the couch and into the world is permission to be “good enough.” When being a foster parent is so overwhelming that I feel myself spinning with the pressure to be and do everything my child never got, I know it’s time for self-care. Not perfect self-care: daily meditation, power yoga, facials, paleo diet and impeccable organizational systems. But self-care that is “good enough”.
Here’s my current list of things that help me feel just 10% better than I did before.
1. Do No Wrong Day- Well-Fed Woman, Rachel Cole first introduced me to the idea that one day a week could be set aside as “Do No Wrong Day.” We can say to ourselves- “no matter what choice I make or how things turn out, today…I can do no wrong.” I love this and claim it more than once a week if I remember.
2. Three Breaths- Sitting to meditate is like mental torture for me these days but I can almost always take 3 deep breaths. Bonus if I remember to feel my feet on the floor. Amazing how this little action can give my nervous system a break.
3. Lying in the Sun- After school, “The Squirrel” might be running around in circles but I lay down on the picnic blanket in our backyard and feel the sun on my skin. No matter what has happened in our day, the sun is still shining (it is in Oakland anyway) – proof that the bigger world still exists and my big life change is only a speck of dust inside it.
4. Spreadsheets- My dear friend is a master project manager with a big, generous heart. After weeks of seeing Lynn & me in a state of total overwhelm, she asked us “what do you need?” We told her. She put our needs in a spreadsheet and shared it with our community as a Google doc. Now we have friends calling & texting, bringing dinner, babysitting, taking us out, sending gift cards for Munchery or Good Eggs, and even treating us to massages. LIFE CHANGING.
5. Tell the Truth- When people I trust ask how I am, I tell them. Usually my answer is “overwhelmed” or “sad.” Occasionally it’s “like a bad-ass.” Telling the truth about this process has been really important. Most folks who love me assume I’m doing great because they have such faith in me. They aren’t picturing that the friend they think so highly of could be struggling. When I tell them, I feel better and can be open to help.
6. Go Away- I started with leaving 2 nights a week to go swim at the Y or out to dinner with a friend. Sure, at first “The Squirrel” screamed her head off and had to be physically removed from my body so I could get out the door but it was worth it. Now she kisses me on the cheek and says, “Have fun Mommy” before I go. I even took 2 nights away with my best friend and actually relaxed enough to do the yoga and meditation that used to be my norm.
7. Dance with my Kid- Put on music and dance. That’s it.
8. Hug my Dog- Finding comfort in the smallest places.
9. Discipline My Child- Meeting disrespectful behavior with “I turn my ears right off when people talk to me like that” has been my most powerful self-care practice. We draw a hard line against rudeness or violence of any kind in our home. This has been 90% of my self-care in the 5 months of foster parenting. It’s exhausting but also empowering. I never had to consistently stand up for myself like this before.
10. Pay People to Help Me- We get our house cleaned every other week and pay a neighbor to mow our lawn. Budget priorities for me.
11. Let Friends Do my Dishes- We love hosting friends and their kids for dinners and playdates every weekend. When they offer to unload our dishwasher, get their own food or even make me a drink, I say “Yes. I’ll let you do that for me.”
12. Tell Grandma she has to come- Grandmas are magic. Even though ours are far away, we called and asked for the help- “You have to come now!” Letting grandmas show up helps our whole family.
13. Learn to Say, “Let’s Talk About Something Else”- Some folks love telling every traumatic story they’ve ever heard about foster kids in an effort to connect. Other friends want to hear the nitty gritty about our parenting journey when all I want to do is take a break. Either way, this simple boundary does the trick.
14. Drink Water- Since my caffeine and sugar intake has gone up quite a bit, this is big one. I like a big plastic cup with a straw.
15. Take to the Bed Like I Have Tuberculosis – If you know me well, you’ve seen me wave my hand through the air dramatically as I inform you that “I’m taking to bed like I have tuberculosis.” Perhaps I’ve even left you standing in our living room at the end of a super fun evening or I’ve just put “The Squirrel” to bed and it’s only 8:00. Mama needs her sleep! Or maybe I’m just going to read my book or do a little restorative yoga in the bed. Either way…I’m out!
16. Sing Karaoke in my Living Room- Our kid’s greatest talent is sleeping through anything, including amplified karaoke that we sing just a few feet away from where her head hits the pillow. Our karaoke set up is very simple. Lynn bought this little amp and a mic on Amazon. Then, we just look up the karaoke versions of songs on YouTube, pour some wine, and sing.
17. Play “Cards against Humanity”- My sister sent this game for Christmas and we’ve never laughed so hard in our lives. Laughing= major self-care.
18. Get a Cute Haircut- I get compliments on my hair almost every time I leave the house. It helps. That’s it.
19. Remind Myself How Tired I Am- When I start thinking about how bad I am as a parent or how my kid might never succeed in school or how hard this transition will be on my marriage…I interrupt the thinking with “Oh honey, you are just so tired” and I immediately take to the bed as if I have tuberculosis. For me, negative thinking almost always means I need rest. Reminding myself that I’m just tired takes away the temptation to believe those thoughts are true.
20. Binge Watch Empire and Eat Girl Scout Cookies- That’s what I did last night and today I have the energy and focus to sit down and write this blog post. I even paid some bills earlier and picked up the house.
See? Good enough self-care. Boom.